Ding dong ding dong. 2021!!! You’re here, sweet precious savior. If not yet taking its clutch on any kind of actual reality, in all of our minds, it is a spanking brand new year. Full of any small remnant of hope and salvation derived from the beckoning bleak black of everything that 2020 represented. Last year I taught 3 years olds. We rang in the new year with special gold sparkly antennae that boinged the numbers 2020 bright and bouncy. I took all of their pictures and displayed them outside of the classroom and we gazed, bedazzled in this cool, repetitive number. Skip to the end of February. My family and I went to visit friends in Jacksonville, Fl. They had lived in Nyack a couple of years ago and we were excited to see their new house that they built to their specifications, nestled within a golf course. We had a couple of hotel rooms at a place by the beach and would shuttle back and forth to their house in their golf cart that they lent us for our stay. The weather wasn’t stellar, but we were away in a cool beach town (Atlantic Beach) and loved exploring what we could, relaxing and meeting their friends and taking in their scene. There may have been a whiff of Covid but definitely not enough for anyone to wake up and pay any attention to it. When my youngest, Ava, got sick right after we came home, it was a high fever but then it eventually passed. No testing for anything at that point. She didn’t want to miss any school so just took Tylenol and then shuffled off. She soon recovered. About a week or so later, I got sick. It was exactly March 13th. Headachey sweat of a creature I became. I felt like I should post my reactions on Facebook as I then suspected it was Covid because, at that point, I thought any information for our collective and mounting fear could’ve been a good thing. Then I found out that I was positive. Ava was with me just to keep me company, but they tested her too at the Anthony Wayne testing site off the Palisades. Lo and behold, she tested positive too. And then WEIRD WORLD 2020 began. It could’ve been a reality show (probably on NETFLIX or Hulu or Peacock) STARRING: A deluded and Maniacal president, the tragedy of George Floyd and the horribly sad and riotous outcome, A divided nation, many stupid people and MASKS, MASKS, MASKS.
THE COVID FILES… And now we find ourselves in January of the next year. You blink and the days upon days haze upon haze of isolation, fear mongering, media, and talking heads fill our space. Friendships and even budding friendships are put on semi-hold. Of course we can still talk, Facetime, message, video, email, blog, read social media until our heads pop off. And yet this doesn’t seem to fill this lonely void that has crept in. Like a fog in the night sometimes stealing enthusiasm, joy, impromptu meanderings and a social connection that never occupied a name and yet its absence is like a foot imprint in the snow. I was emptying the dishwasher for the zillionth time yesterday and it seemed to brush up upon me without even thinking about it as I gazed out at my leafless bone of a tree. A friend of mine made a cake for my daughter’s birthday today and I went to go pick it up. She was in a meeting and her usual lovely and sweet husband answered the door, interupting his work. It’s like the guy I used to know and share conversation and a bright big smile with was absent and in his place was a cordial man, pausing in his work (amidst house busyness of course). When we hadn’t seen each other, we would sometimes give each other a hardy hug. Hugs. Hugs from loved ones, friends, anyone we may be fond of in passing. SO DAMN IMPORTANT. I never really knew just how. Cut back to me and my party of a dishwasher. I thought of him, and although we’re not close, I found a cry had lodged itself and needed to get out, so I let it and then moved on with the rest of my day. He and I had greeted each other in this distanced, masked and isolated way that has become our new cloak. We wear it along with our clothes as half of our face is covered and hidden too with all of the emotions that can only come through when a whole face and demeanor is gazed upon.
COVID REACTION GRID I find it helpful to map reactions. Just like the six or so emoji’s to describe your pain in a hospital, from fine to crazy-bad, there are about 4 shades of Covid reactions. 1. My mask is below my nose. My mask is loosy goose. I may not wear a mask. I’m not sure if I believe in conspiracy theories or not. 2. I will wear my mask properly but only once in awhile. I will still hug and choose to take it off completely if I need you to see my reactions. I may not be six feet from you. I may not care what you think on this. 3. I will wear my mask in stores and where it’s expected. I will always leave it on even if you can’t completely read my expressions. When I am socially distanced outside, I can take it off. I always revel in the freedom of being in my car maskless. I used to go to restaurants when I could be outside, but as the weather has gotten colder, I don’t go out to eat much. 4. I always wear my mask. I wear it outside even when socially distanced. I wear it in my car even when I’m by myself. I always expect others to be as aware as I am. I have grown fearful and slightly neurotic. Ah, the many shades of our Covid community! I respect all and try to get past my judgement either way. Albeit, challenging. Interesting too though if you think about it!
Perhaps few will want to read this blog as just with the gloomy news, Covid has become a topic we live and breath every day, so why reflect? Because I believe that as human beings, it is constantly our duty to observe, analyze, mull over and try to figure it out. We have never been inside of any situation like this EVER. When pants get uncomfortable, we can change them (ah, sweats!). If our hair has been in a pesky ponytail, we can take the elastic out and feel the wind rush through our scalp. If a noise is loud, we can tune it off or out. For the last few decades, the world has had technology that has made it easier and easier to live and operate in our surroundings. We cannot control Covid. News of the vaccine is heartening. Perhaps this will eventually contribute to the graph of cases having a downward line instead of it pointing up in a spiky blast.
“When you start to feel like things should have been better this year, remember the mountains and valleys that got you here. They are not accidents and those moments weren’t in vain. You are not the same. You have grown and you are growing . You are breathing, you are living. You are wrapped in endless boundless grace. and things WILL get better. There is more to you than yesterday.” ~ Morgan Harper Nichols
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